BBQ

I've been invited to a BBQ. Normally I'd be thrilled, except this BBQ is in England; I'm petrified.

The first thing about BBQ's is that it's a male thing. I'm not sure when or why this occurred but a lit BBQ will be surrounded by gaggle of males drinking beer. One of them will be wielding the tongs and the marinating brush; he's the host. The rest are there to drink the host's beer.

In my experience, Canadian males make it a point of honour to only flip the meat once. It doesn't matter if it's triple A grade steak or No Name beef burgers. The principles of BBQing remain the same - you flip the meat once. British males however seem to flip the meat once a minute.

The first time I went to a BBQ in England I was unprepared. I didn't realise that it was a cultural phenomenon that hadn't crossed the Atlantic correctly. The BBQ was held in someone's backyard, lots of people were over, and the menu was burgers. So far, so good. Until we wandered over to watch the male gaggle cook the burgers. The burgers were a lot smaller than we were accustomed to but it was the sausages that perplexed us. Baby burgers and sausages, odd. However, the cooking of the meat soon wiped away any amusement. My brother and I watched in horror as our host repeatedly flipped the burgers, we gasped as he pressed on them with the spatula to make them cook faster, and we were stunned when we were presented with round bits of char to on burger buns with some cylindrical bits on the side. We poked them carefully. "I think its a sausage," my brother mouthed.

Going over to the condiment table, we spied potato salad and coleslaw. In Canada, coleslaw and potato salad are provided in big heaping bowls so you can put big heaping mounds on your plate. I love both. I'm starting to know more about them. Coleslaw can be made with a vinegar base or a mayo base. Pairing a potato salad with a coleslaw is a bit of an art. If you have a potato salad that's very mayo based, then you should have a vinegar based coleslaw. The relative sweetness and acidity are also to be carefully balanced. Cabbages are huge so there tends to be a lot of coleslaw when you make one. It takes the same amount of effort to make a large potato salad as a small one. That's why there's normally enough of both for seconds or even thirds.

However, at this BBQ, both salads were store bought and these pots struck us as being individually-sized. Does England not have cabbages? Are they imported? Was this one of those things that's cheap at home but expensive over here? We decided to play dumb - "What's this for?" we asked. "Oh, it's coleslaw, wonderful stuff. You put it on top of your burger." Ok, maybe it is expensive over here, or maybe they got the memo about ketchup, mustard and relish mixed up with the one about the side dishes. When in Rome . . . we carefully took a teaspoon of each and placed them on our burger.

I think it's fair to say we were polite and we survived. We were convinced it was a one-off but as our sample sized enlarged, we discovered that British BBQ's all go the same way. Anecdotal evidence further supported our conclusions. They insist on flipping your meat until it's dizzy and serving you sausages to go with your burger. Like everything else in Britain, the burgers are smaller than in Canada, and they are always charred to the point of edible charcoal. The condiments never make any sense.

I'm going to a BBQ in England. I'm also about to become a temporary vegetarian. I think it's safer that way.