Closet Clean-outs

My friend was staring at my feet and then back up at my skirt. "Your shoes match!" she said in some disbelief. I was busy trying judging whether the shoes matched or went with the skirt so that I didn't completely hear her next comment. To me it sounded like, "You're a walk-in closet!" I protested loudly, "I am NOT a walk-in closet! I just happen to have two items in the same colour!" I think what she actually said was, "You have a walk-in closet!"

This brought up visions of a closet bursting at the seams which isn't true. My closet is well-organised and has lots of room left. I was browsing a magazine last night that had the standard tips on clearing out your closet. Does it fit? When did you last wear it? Are you keeping it for emotional reasons? I scanned the article feeling smug. Yes it fits, yes I wear it all and no I don't have any clothes for emotional reasons. Ha, no reason for me to do the dreaded closet clean-out.

Then later I started thinking of previous closet clean-outs. I have cleaned out at least two pairs of pants that I have since ransacked my closet looking for. I was going hiking and I needed my blue cargo pants. I couldn't find them anywhere. Then I remembered that in a previous misguided closet clean-out, they had been let go along with my black cargo pants with a thousand and one pockets. I have since had to go and buy new hiking pants.

I spent ages looking for a pair of shoes that I couldn't find. I was worried that they had been thrown out in a closet clean-up. I phoned home. "Mum, my brown sandals? Have you seen them?" She thought. "You haven't worn them in a while." My mental calculation was that I hadn't worn them in two years but I wanted them now. She promised to do a search. "I've found them. I've also found your clogs. Do you want them?" I asked her to send up just the sandals. I also told her not to throw out the clogs. "You never wear them." "Doesn't matter. I will."

Last time I was home, I was quizzing my mother. Her work wardrobe was fantastic. She had suits that we know by name. The pieces that she passed onto me are vintage treasures. No one else has a vintage wool Christian Dior turtle neck that matches the colour of their eyes. Thanks to my mum, I do. I've been wearing it since grade school. I wanted to know where the rest of the wardrobe went, what happened to it. I wanted to do a closet plunder. It turned out that what the moth didn't get, the closet clean-out did. I could have cried. I know my father does each time he discovers she pitched one of his favourite outfits. "You threw out the grey suit!?! How could you? You didn't ask me, did you?" Playing the consultation card normally gets a rolling of the eyes and then my father starts to think through the repercussions of this clean-out zeal and panic sets it, "You didn't touch my closet, did you?"

There are those who should do a closet clean-out. They are those who don't keep a mental inventory of everything they have in stock. They should downsize to a level they can handle. For those of us who keep a catalogued mental inventory, easy to browse by style, occasion, article of clothing, colour, fabric, the closet clean-out leads only to stress and havoc. For when you pull out your mental index card for an event and discover half the items missing, you quickly reach the state of "Having Nothing to Wear," which rapidly leads to, "Being Incredibly Late" and makes everyone else, "Unbelievably Unsympathetic." If only you had refrained from cleaning out your closet.